Divorce can be emotionally overwhelming for parents, and the thought of discussing it with your children may feel even more daunting. While it is natural for children to experience short-term anxiety when they first hear the news, navigating this change with open and loving conversation can help their emotional well-being in the long run.
If you are considering a divorce and are worried about the impact on your children, it is important to know that you are not alone. Although divorce rates in the US have declined since2008, they remain significant, with around 42% of marriages ending in divorce. While theCOVID-19 pandemic caused a temporary spike in divorce rates, they have stabilized since then. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 48% of children in the US live in households where the parents are divorced or separated. These statistics underscore the importance of approaching the topic of divorce with your children in a thoughtful manner.
Overview
1. Divorce can be a traumatic experience for families, especially for children. Approaching this discussion thoughtfully can help lower everyone’s stress.
2. Being thoughtful about when, where, and how you approach the conversation can mitigate a big part of the stress and anxiety children may feel about the change.
3. Staying aligned with your partner and maintaining a united front for the children will be critical to the children’s emotional well-being.
4. Consider professional help and counseling for your children if they struggle with the transition. Counseling can help children deal with the transition
When and how to tell your kids
Choosing the right time and setting to discuss the upcoming separation or divorce with your children is crucial to helping your children understand and cope with the changes. Choosing a calm and private space for the kids to listen and ask questions is critical. The timing of the discussion is equally important. Avoid major occasions like birthdays in the family and big holidays and family gatherings, to help your children maintain positive memories and not associate happy occasions with negative emotions. Coming prepared for the conversation, with answers to common questions the children may have will help ease the children’s anxiety:
- Both parents present: This helps assure your children that both parents will continue to play a significant role in their lives, reducing the fear of losing touch with one or both parents.
- Be prepared for the conversation: Be ready to answer questions from the children about the reason for the divorce and what they should expect post-divorce. Being specific about the answers to schedules, sleeping arrangements, and even holiday arrangement scan help ease their anxiety.
- Avoid blaming each other: Showing a united front with your spouse will be hard, but critical to ease your children’s anxiety. Psychologists often recommend that the parents undertake training themselves to be fully equipped for the conversation and to manage the transition together.
Have an age-appropriate conversation
Being open and honest will be critical to helping children cope with the news. There are some high-level guidelines for successful conversations:
- Reassure your children: Emphasize that you and your spouse love them and that you will continue to be there for them. The children want both parents to stay involved in their lives.
- Encourage questions and dialog: Invite your children to share their concerns and ask questions. This will give you a sense of what they may be worried about, including how often they will see you, how vacations work, etc. Be patient and answer their questions honestly to give them confidence.
- Focus on the changes and stability: Being as clear as possible on the new schedule, living arrangements, routines, and schedules can help ease some of the anxiety your children can feel. Being consistent is critical to helping them cope with the new reality.
While the above themes are some common guidelines, the approach needs to be tailored based on the children’s age, emotional maturity, and family situation. For example, older children need a lot more detail than younger children.
What to expect after the discussion
After talking to your children about divorce, their reactions may vary based on their age, temperament, and any family and child-specific dynamics. However, here are some common signs to watch out for, to gauge their reaction:
- Mood changes: Children, especially the younger ones, may feel a sense of sadness and confusion as they struggle to understand the situation fully. Having repeated conversations to clarify their understanding of the situation will be important. Children may also get more irritable, temperamental, or anxious following the news of their parents’ divorce. Helping children identify and discuss their emotions with parents, teachers, or other trusted adults will be critical.
- Behavioral changes: Some children may become more socially withdrawn and younger children may show regression in behaviors such as bedwetting and thumb sucking as they try to cope with the changes. Children may become more ‘clingy’ towards their parents. Observing their behavior at home, in school, and in other activities can give you good insights on how children are coping and whether they could benefit from additional help.
- Feelings of guilt: Children, depending on their age, may also feel guilty and internalize the news as their fault. “Did a parent leave because of them?” It is critical for both parents, when possible, to have an open conversation that absolves the child of any guilt or shame.
- Change in academic performance: A divorce may affect children’s focus and academic performance. Loss of interest in schoolwork and assignments, or resistance to school are other potential side effects on children. Enlisting the help of your kids’ teacher, mentor, or trusted family member can help offer some extra support.
- Other unexpected emotional and behavioral changes: In some cases, children may show signs of depression and anxiety. If you notice persistent and serious changes, getting professional help may be helpful.
In addition to these short-term effects, children may develop long-term issues if the symptoms are not treated with love and care. These may include emotional stability, forming healthy relationships, and the ability to trust and communicate openly. Helping children resolve their emotions can now set them up for long-term emotional well-being.
How to help them cope with the transition
There are several ways in which you can provide a stable and healthy home environment following the divorce, to help your children cope with the news and heal:
- Setting a stable routine that is well agreed upon by both parents can instill a sense of new normalcy in the children. Knowing what to expect consistently can be a huge de-stressor.
- Reinforcing the message that the divorce isn’t their fault and that both parents still love them can be another source of comfort.
- Finding creative outlets like art, music, yoga, and physical activities can help children channel their emotions in positive ways
- Revisit the conversations and answer their questions as they internalize the divorce.
Offer Continued Support
Divorce is an emotionally challenging journey for you and your family. Time, love, and open communication can heal the pain and anxiety your children may feel. There are several resources that can help you and your children heal and get emotional support, as needed. Family counselors, school counselors, and professional therapists can be great allies in your journey to healing.
References
Buck, Clayton, et al. "How Does Your State Compare with National Marriage and Divorce Trends?" United States Census Bureau,
www.census.gov/library/stories/2024/10/marriage-and-divorce.html?utm_campaign=20241008aco&utm_medium=email&utm_source=govdelivery. Accessed 15 Oct. 2024.
"Children and Divorce: The 3 Big Questions." Psychology Today,
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/202401/children-and-divorce-the3-big-questions. Accessed 15 Oct. 2024.
Kemp, Gina, et al. "Children and Divorce." HelpGuide.org, www.helpguide.org/family/parenting/children-and-divorce. Accessed 15 Oct. 2024.
London, Kathryn A. "Children of Divorce." Children of Divorce, www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_21/sr21_046.pdf. Accessed 15 Oct. 2024.
.webp)
